Tick..Tick..Tick.. Trying to defuse the Bipolar Time-bomb!

Well gang. It happened last week. I popped my cork. The wind went out of my sails! The butter slipped off my noodle. My mental shoelaces came untied and I tripped over them. (And not only that I had a bit of a meltdown.)

Oh no Akeejaho! Say it isn't so!

I know! Incredible, huh!? Me! The guy who has written so many Hubs on the subject of Bipolar actually is admitting to anyone who cares to read this that his trolley jumped the track! Yupper. It did. (But only one wheel, so no biggy!)

The point is. I realized what was going on, (Finally) and I was able to start reversing the progression that could have quite possibly had me sitting in a corner singing "Pop Goes The Weasel!" (Not that I don't do that anyway, just for fun.)

I was a ticking time bomb for a while, and the timer was probably a bit closer to 00:00 then I really care to admit!

Oh, it all just kind of tippy toed up behind me and that was that. (Not really, but alot of folks say that, so thought I'd try it.) But it isn't true.

Truth is, I committed a cardinal sin for a Bipolar. I kind of let things get ahead of me a bit. As usual, and I know I do this way too much, I tend to internalize stuff.

You What?

Internalize.

Oh! That's what I thought you said.

I allowed a chain of events get the better of me, and instead of keeping myself in check, I allowed these events and all the nasty little Bipolar traits that have been beaten into submission and stuffed away in a little spot in my brain to come out and play

The thing is, I thought I was a little stronger than I actually am. Doesn't that sound like a manic statement in itself! (Oh no! It is 1:44 AM, and I am frying my lap with this Lap Top. I am so wide awake that even a marathon showing on "Nick At Nite" of "The Brady Bunch" wouldn't lull me to sleep. Guess I might be still a little on the loopy side!)

Side note. Why the hell do they call it a "lap top" if it is capable of giving you third degree burns if you have it there while you work?

So, with the time bomb just going tick, tick, tick, and the pressure building, I realized at any moment my Bipolar was going to start leaking out and getting all over me. (Yuck, I hate it when that happens!)

So, what's a person to do?

Hmm. Good question. Sometimes there really isn't a real clear cut answer. Sometimes Bipolar can just sneak up on you and just slap you around like a rag doll. When it does, that is when it is most crucial that you begin to rationalize with your self. Bi-polar's need to learn the difference between what the mind perceives, and what is true. Lost you yet? (No? Wow, I have to say I sure don't know what I just said!)

I realized way to late that my stress level had been maxed out. No, maxed out would simply imply that the level of stress was at the highest level I could tolerate. (Which is about as much stress as your favorite television show canceled by the network with absolutely no warning and for no good reason. (Now I'll never know if Marin and Jack will ever get together.)

I was kind of beyond that. Kind of like trying to stuff 25 gallons of water into a 20 gallon fish tank. (Yup, my fishies spilled onto the floor.)

So there I was.

Running around trying to gather up my little fishies! (So to speak.)

Anyway, you get the picture. I had exceeded my limit and beyond of stress, and, well, it just happened.

Oh I didn't end up in the booby hatch or anything, but there were a few days that are more like a blur than anything else. I lost it. Plain and simple. I allowed myself to pull in way to much -Negative Energy- from my surroundings.

Whoa! Negative energy? Sound kinda yuppieish!

Yes, I know, but let me explain it this way.

To me, there are two types of energy. (At least when dealing with Bipolars.)

Negative and positive. (Isn't that convenient.)

Negative energies are things that are, heh heh, negative. (Guess you saw that coming, didn't you?) Negative energies are things like gossip, rumors, lies. Things that are harmful to yourself or others. Things like anger, hatred, jealousy, deceit. You know. Anything that involves instances that place you in a position that either makes you feel bad or embarrassed for another, or anything that helps to build guilt within one's self. These are negative energies.

Positive energies are those energies which make one feel good inside. Love, tenderness, kindness and friendships for instance. Helping another is a very good example of positive energy.

Have you ever been around some one who makes you feel good inside? Someone who is always positive? Someone who either builds you up inside, or speaks well of others despite the fact there is no one else in sight but you and that positive individual? Well, the reason you feel good inside is because this person is positive. Positive energy flows from folks like this, and they are very easy to detect. Usually they are popular, though they seldom realize it. They are popular because others gravitate to their positive traits.

Folks that are terminally negative are just the opposite. They seem never to have a good thing to say about anyone, anything, or any situation. You know the type. They actually make you feel bad inside, and they can tend to pull you into having your own negative thoughts. After spending time with negative people, you tend to feel a bit blue, or just plain crummy inside.

Yah, I think I know what you mean!

Good! Then this concept may make sense to you also. Positive energy feeds us. It nourishes our soul and builds us inside. Don't believe me? Well, try this.

Smile at someone. Smile at a complete stranger. Compliment someone on their attire, or their hair, or anything at all. Or, try a simple wave or a friendly greeting. These are all forms of positive energy. Just see what happens.

A smile usually reciprocates one from the smilee. (You of course being the smiler.) A friendly -Hello- is often followed by a similar response. (Unless you are saying hello to someone you just ran into and knocked down in a supermarket isle or something.) Thing is, positive actions usually illicit positive responses. Just remember the adage,

If you find someone without a smile, share one of your own with them.

Negative folks just seem to suck the life out of you. That is just what negative energy does. It feeds on you. It pulls everything out of you, leaving a person tired, depressed in some cases, and just plain icky. Remember this adage:

"Mean people suck."

For Bi-polars, negative energy can really put them into a tail spin.

Yup, I wouldn't lie to you. (That would be negative.)

Why?

Well, typically, Bi-polars have esteem problems. The label alone is enough to put some of us into frames of mind which can be strong enough to keep us from even venturing out the door in the morning. Add some of the other neat little side tags like Paranoid, or compulsive, or any of those other things doctors like to pile on top of the Bipolar diagnosis, and negative energy is the last thing you need.

Well, in a nutshell, that is what happened.

I placed myself in a situation that became very negative, rather quickly. Without going into detail, and with as little negativity as possible, let me just say that a project I was affiliated with, and an individual who assured me they were competent enough to lead the project was not as competent as they led me to believe. Worse, I backed this individual, who in turn, lied to me.

Big Deal! It happens all the time.! (Haven't you heard of Politicians?)

Yes, I know it happens all the time. And yes, I have heard of politicians, but we all know they just say what we want to hear. That's their job.

However, the individual I am referring to was a friend. One whom I trusted. One I did not expect this from. One who has now joined the ranks of acquaintances I have, who are not friends, nor enemy, but individuals I will remain Leary of for the rest of the time we are acquainted. An individual whose negative energies drained me to the point that I began to slip into a depression.

My Bipolar self internalized everything, and I took it on as my fault the project was not only abandoned, but moneys that were paid to this individual also disappeared, further pushing me into a very depressed state.

And the time bomb kept ticking.

Did I succeed in defusing it?

Yes. Yes I did.

How? With positive energy. With the love and understanding and patience of those around me I hold dearest, and closest to my heart, I was able to fill those voids inside that the negative energies had eaten away. Those closest to me recharged me. By standing with me, and by not ridiculing me for having poor judgement, those around me pulled me back to my feet. And before I knew it, the fuse was extinguished. This time.

And with that said, I can only hope that others who suffer from Bipolar have folks around them who support them as my small circle has supported me. To all those who have helped me through this, thank you. I love you, and I hope I can in turn do for you what you have done for me.

Happy Bi-polaring!