How Do You Get Over A Loved One's Death? I am having such a hard time.
91A new beginning
This is a very difficult hub to start. The subject of death is one we all deal with as we journey through our time in this world. The experience can be traumatic at best, but unfortunately, an experience that is unavoidable. There is life, and there is not. Dealing with this fact is the rub. I think we need, first and foremost, change our inward perception of the entire ordeal. Only then can we try to make sense of the loss of a loved one, and in turn, accept what has happened, after the initial shock sets in, and build ourselves back to a functional level of life enjoyed before the loss.
For me, a new way of looking at death was the key. A Tarot Card reader told me once, to look at the "Death Card" she placed before me on the table as not a finality, but as simply change. The end of something we know, and the beginning of something new. "Change", "an unveiling", a "new beginning."
That is all fine and dandy for someone to say, and really not bad for those who have passed on, but what about those left behind? What good does that do? What about the tremendous whole in your heart left by the loss of one close and dear? How do you mend that?
For myself, after the loss of someone who was very close to me, I realized I needed to completely revamp everything I knew of life and death. This meant looking deep inside myself to figure out why I was having so much trouble getting along with my life. Through the entire process, I discovered a few things that just may help. The deepest parts of my mind held one very key issue that still rears it's ugly head from time to time, even now. Guilt.
Not guilt as in something I did while the individual was alive, but guilt in the matters of things I did not do when they were here. I found this to be one of the largest hurdles to get over. Let me explain before I confuse you or lose your interest. Let me briefly run you through the morning of a beautiful summer day when I and a few close friends were doing some rock climbing in the mountains of South Carolina. That is the setting, and to move things along quickley, I will simply tell you that due to a freak accident, and a very unusual bit of equipment failure, a friend, a very close friend of almost 15 years fell and was severely injured. (A Compound fracture of the femur, a few broken ribs and a slight head injury.) We were eight miles from the vehicle, and more than thirty miles from the nearest medical attention.
We had camped the evening before, and instead of moving our vehicle closer to the area we planned to hike to, we opted to leave the car where it was and just hike all the way. (Incidentally, it was my decision to do so.) The result was having to carry our dear friend back to the vehicle and traveling to an emergency facility, which you can imagine, took a great deal of time. A luxury we did not have.
Oh, we made it, and so did he. After a few hours of surgery, our friend seemed to be out of danger. Then it happened. A massive clot broke loose and ended our friends life. Heartbreaking indeed. But what devastated me were the words the doctor relayed to us. Had he gotten medical attention sooner, he probably would not have had such complications. The words hit like a punch to the stomach. It was my fault it took so long to get him help. In my mind, I had caused him to pass from our world.
The guilt filled me, and so did the darkness of his loss. I had never told him that he was one of the closest friends I had ever known, though I certainly believe he knew that, I still never voiced that feeling to him, and now he was gone and it was to late to tell him. I knew I needed to defeat this emotion or it would haunt me for the rest of my life. But how?
Strange as it may seem, it was he who helped me. After a very long period of self pitty, I began to look back at my Native American roots, and some of the teachings I had learned, but forgotten over the years. Then and only then did I begin to pull myself back from a very dark place. (I suppose I should mention also that I am Bipolar, so I was very close to the edge at this point.) To make a long story short, I found my friend, still living. He was very much alive, both in my memory, and in my heart.
In fact, to my very great surprise, he was not alone. For in my mind and in my heart, I found others, who had passed on from this life, living there along side of him. I began to realize they may have left this place physically, but they were still around me in memory. They lived inside my heart and mind still. I began to realize that though I could not see them, I could feel their presence. I could feel all the love I had for them welling up inside me, and I could feel their love and friendship still embracing me, and though I could no longer embrace them with my arms, they were there, and they always will be. They will be with me always, until it is my turn to move on from this body, to leave this place, and to face a new one in death.
Things really began to fall in place for me then, and I discovered that although I do not welcome the event, I found that I feared it allot less. The thing about it is this, dear reader. Those that pass are only a memory away. Take strength from the love you had for them and let it strengthen you from within. Let them speak to you from your heart, and hold all the memories you have close.
Realize that mourning is okay. Crying cleanses the soul. Allow it to wash away the negative feelings of guilt and "I should haves". For only then can the positive things begin to replace all the bad that will flow out. Look inside and find the one you lost physically, and you will find them, still there, in your heart, where they will remain for all your days.
At the risk of sounding callous, grief is a selfish emotion. It involves our loss in this world, and deals little with the prospect of what faces those who have moved on. Grief blocks the wonderful things you have shared with the one who is no longer walking beside us. Grief blocks the positive things that have come from a lost relationship. Positive things like the love and deep friendship you have had with those who have moved on to a better place. Grief blocks the realization that one who has passed on no longer need deal with all the pitfalls, pain, sickness, and woes the rest of us, who are left behind, need to deal with each and every day. Grief blocks the love and memories we need to feel to heal ourselves. Grief blocks the presence in our hearts and minds of those gone. Grief blocks us from allowing their love, which is still there, to reach us. Grief blocks their love from healing us. From embracing us.
Perhaps this is, to many, absolutely ridiculous. I don't care. This is how I learned to finally accept the death of those who have been close to me, and I hope in some way, it will help those who are having trouble moving past their loss.
I would like to thank my dear friend for helping me to realize these things. For helping me to heal. For helping me to not let go, and realizing there is no need to, for although he has passed on, he still is with me, as are others who have traveled into that great unknown. In my heart I know they are there, they will always be there, and they will be waiting for me as I take that first step into a place I can only imagine to be one of peace and serenity. I wish you a long, healthy and joyous life, and I know the one you lost wishes you the same.
I'm just saying.
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Thankyou, akeejaho, for your Hub, it makes so much sense, and echoes my experience of grief, acceptance and healing. I lost my Mum in 2009. She was old and ill, and her life had come to its inevitable end. We were very close, and enjoyed our life together, and loved each other so much. When she died, I was overwhelmed with grief, and felt I could not go on. It was only after a long time that I was able to remember her as she was before she became old and ill, and the great times we had together. Only then could I feel her presence again, just as she had been, and know that all was well, and we still had that same connection that we always had. You are so right, grief blocks that connection, and it is a selfish emotion, as it is all about our loss, and not about how the person we loved is now in the next world. Many blessings to you, and to all who seek peace.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard. I understand oh too well. Here is some healing love from a new friend. Thank you for your Hub. It made me feel less alone in this pain. I've lost so many in the past 10 years. It can be a struggle. Bless you.
You had to cope with a terrible tragedy that ended in your friend's death, so it's not surprising you had a difficult time of it for a while. Grief doesn't resolve in the same amount of time for everyone. I think that people who arrive at the same conclusion you found--that their loved ones live on in their memories and hearts--fare better than those who continue to focus entirely on the loss. I know that cherishing good memories has helped me cope with the loss of loved ones. God bless....JAYE
thank you so much for writing that....i honestly need to read this because i lost a brother three years ago still dealing with the pain but i feel much better after reading this because i know i can more on even though its hurts he is still there...
thank you so much!
Vanessa
i am grieving right now and nothing that can be said to me right now really sinks in. However, I appreciate this blog that was put up and will remember it when I do finally realize that I will re-connect with my lost loved one eventually when it is my time to go.
Perhaps, grieving can be a selfish thing when the others around you are being affected by it. Other than that, its not selfish to feel the human feelings that we typically feel after losing someone.
ty
I'm sorry for all of those that have lost a loved one, be it a human or non human family memeber. I do not agree that grief is a selfish emotion though. Some aspects of it may be selfish, such as wishing they were here with us, but overall, part of the grief that I feel isn't anything to do with me or how I feel. It's what I know inside that hurts the most, such as the fact that my girl was cheated out of a life, a life which only lasted 2 & 1/2 years. She was cheated out of so many things that I can't even begin to name them all! If I knew with all my heart and soul that she is "happier now" or still enjoying whatever the "other side" has to offer, then I wouldn't be grieving nearly as much. But I don't know that...nobody does. If missing her and wanting to know that she is OK is selfish, then so be it. I simply do not believe the selfish is a term I'd use to describe the loss of a loved one.
Your Hub touched my heart. I lost one of my best friends to a drug overdose nearly two years ago and the mourning was so difficult. I just could not let go. Then i realized i had a lot of guilt of not doing enough, not being there to help him, and it killed me inside. Our loved ones who have passed are always with us in our hearts. I am so sorry for your loss.
You out that beautifully. I just lost my grandma, who was really my mother. I knew it was coming, but am lost and trying to feel better. I feel lots of guilt and so much sadness. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
So true DustinsMom. Those we love never really do leave us. I am so sorry for your loss. It is difficult to come to terms with such a tragedy, or to find anything even remotely comforting to say to one who is living through it, however know that the peace your loved one was searching for has been found.
All my best,
Bill.
You have expressed grief and loss in a way that anyone can relate to. I feel your gutwrenching pain. You said it so well, we must go through the "stages" of grief, but after the cold reality sets in, that is when the important stuff starts. I am glad you were able to go back to your roots and come out of your dark place. I am still finding my way after losing my only child of 16 to suicide seven years ago. Thank you for sharing, it gives me strength to go on when I read an experience such as yours.
Those we love never really leave us.
Vnike, so hows that working for you? And, Brittney, thank you for your comments.
I greatly appreciate you posting this. Reading it has helped me to realize a few things. My grandmother passed away about a week ago, she and I were very, very close...and it's been difficult for me to come to terms with her death. As you said, grief has been blinding me...all the "I should haves" going through my mind kept me from realizing that she is still with me and she always will be. She and I had a bond that I believe can never be broken...and though I will always miss her, I know it'll get easier with time...again, thank you for posting this.
something like this happened to me just this very week.but my heart refuses to move on coz i know that the guy who left me was my true love
It is surprising just how much your origins will come out. For me, the traditions of my people live in me, and I try to live as close to their philosophey of life and spirit as possible in this world. It gives me peace.
I too dabble as an herbologist, though my place in the Long House is that of Mind walker.
Beautiful hub. I totally embrace this philosophy and somehow feel a connection with your spirit. I too have Native American roots. My great grandmother was Cherokee and, although I never knew her in life, I feel like I have always known her in spirit. She was an herb doctor and I have followed that path; not as a doctor, but looking for alternative medicines and treatments in nature.
I am so sorry to hear your mother passed. I am glad that you found some relief from the Hub as well. That is why I wrote it. Death is a difficult hurdle to get over, and I believe healing from the passing from a loved one must be done from within. I hope you continue to heal. Thank you for your comments.
My mother passed a year and a half ago and I am still struggling with pain, guilt, sadness,loss etc like it was yesterday. Your hub helped. Thank you.
AEvans, I am so sorry I missed your comment befor this. I hope your Thanksgiving was a good one, and I trust your father smiled down as you fondly remembered him. Peace is in him, let it fill you as well. Thankyou for your kind words.
And, by all means Sheila! Please join us here at Hubpages! We would love to have you with us. Please share your story with us, you'll find it to be most theraputic.
I've a story to share, of the unexpected death of my hubby/best-friend now 22 months ago.
Perhaps there are others who would get some solace from it.
If you could please advise if appropriate for your web-site.
Many thanks.
Thank you for this information as reaching deep within in just a matter of moments and I am now realizing so much. Today is Thanksgiving and I miss my father so much , but he is in my heart and in my mind so right now at this moment it will be a new beginning for me , as he is busy playing cards in my mind and doing crossword puzzles. I miss him but as you said he is only a memory away. :)
i dont really think that you do because you always somhow remember them and it only effects you little by little my g-ma dorthy died when i was 13 and still am not over it but just hold on and dont let go because you will put some one you love in this situation hope you feel less depressed and sad
A HELPFUL PERSON
blood luster
I think you've put down - so beautifully - what most of us go through. Grief is more self-centred I feel, rather than selfish. And we need to pass through the valley of guilt and grief to come through to remembering the happy days. As someone before me said, it is part of the healing process.
May your friend live on forever in your happy memories of him!
Akeejaho,
I am ao glad that you are healing. Of course, you miss your friend. We are those left behind who try to figure out how we will go on when someone so important to our heart is gone. It hurts to lose a friend, lover, child, parent, or even a neighbor sometimes scrambles our little world enough that (as happened to me last night, spoken by a man who had lost his older lady-friend next door that he had often helped out with yard and home-repair issues; what a nice guy!) with the loss of anyone close, we study our own life and our mortality; especially when we lose a parent, as I did in January.
He will live forever in your heart, but also "on the other side," or in heaven, whatever your beliefs are, it is still so clear that God loves us and we will see our loved ones again, and we will love them again.
I'm not a religious person, but I trust in one God and in a spiritual ever-after. You don't ever have to apologize for the way you feel; remember, you have a right and a need to grieve. When, as you said, we are so wrapped up in grief that we can't function, I understand how you feel about it being a negative thing. But, in reality, we all grieve in our own way, and that's OK.
He would want you to keep him in your heart but also, to move on. I am glad that you are able to do that. I am trying but losing a child is an entirely different situation. No one's loss is greater than another's, but each is unique. I choose to move on and to live. Some days it isn't so easy but I know that my path and my daughter's path in life were different.
Madison
Thank you Madison, for your readership and your kind words. This event happened a few years ago, and though I am passed the guilt, I still miss my friend.
Friends are a dime a dozen, but true close and good friends you can trust with anything are far and few between. They are to be cherished, and find themselves cuddled into a place below God, below family, but before yourself. Yes, I have lost this person in my life, but not from my heart. There, he will remain as long as I live, and thats not such a bad thing. He is there when I need him.
I just found your hub. You are so right, we, who are left behind are grieving, and we DO indeed feel sorry for ourselves; afterall, we loved these people and they are gone and we are beyond sad.
No matter what the circumstances, those loved ones left behind will find a way to take the blame, and to feel guilty. After some time, we become rational and realize that the person who went home, to the other side, was living their own journey and we cannot take the blame because, no matter the little worldy things that happened on the way to our loved-one's passing, it was not our FAULT.
I feel your painful loss and I know something about the intense pain that losing someone brings into our heart and our life. No matter what you do, it is still there, the sadness, the feeling that life will never be joyous again. But know that guilt serves no purpose.
Allow yourself to grieve; you can cry, you should cry if it is what you need to do. I wish I could give you a hug, but I think that you have taken some big steps by puting your feelings into writing.
I don't ever give anyone advice because I'm still finding my own way and grieving is a process. I don't know what your individual circumstances are but you will find your way, as your beloved has found his way into the light. I believe we will see our loved ones again, and again. There is too much evidence that we do "go on," to believe that it all ends here. I knew this but, still the sadness clings because we are humans and we have a soul connection with those who are suddenly gone from our life.
Follow your instincts, I will keep you in my prayers and maybe someday we'll all meet for a hike in the countryside on the other side.
If you think I'm nuts, that's OK. I would like you to read my hub on grieving and I hope it helps. It has NO ADS and is only posted in the hope that maybe what I have learned will be helpful in some small way to some other grieving person. The hub link is:
http://hubpages.com/hub/-Will-I-Ever-Survive-The-D
I hope it helps. I'm still in the process of grieving and I'm not sure what decade it will be when I will emerge, but life does go on...and although sometimes that pisses me off, it is the way it is. Love and hugs to you. If you ever need to talk, you know how to find me here on hub. I wish you love and light.
Madison
We do carry those whm we have lost in our hearts. I am convinced of that. We knew them well in this life, and they hold on to us, (or we to them) for as long as we are here. That is the way it is, and should be. I believe they become our angels, and our guides, and our conscience. Death is not the end, but the beginning of a new being, I think, hope and believe.
This is a lovely hub. I too lost someone dear not too long ago and I still miss him tremendously. Many times I will be doing something and thinking to myself, I wonder what he would think about this. But then I realize that I can probably guess what he would say and it is comforting to sometimes imagine him talking back to me in my mind. It is like you said, we carry them in our hearts. Thanks for sharing your story.
C.S.
Thanks for the smile. We should be smilin in our hearts anyway, it makes the one on our faces so much more sincere. And thanks for becoming a fan. I'll try to not let you down.
akeejaho,
Sometimes making no comment speaks the loudest. OUCH! Thinking of you with a smile in my heart,
C.S. Alexis
Thanks emma, for your comments. Yes I have found peace with the death of my friend and no longer blame myself. Now I blame the car for being so far away! Happy blogging!
Brilliant words and thoughts. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and to know the tragic story and why you felt guilty. All too often I hear the "If I only..." stories. My thoughts are with you, and I hope that you are able to find the peace you need and deserve. I wish you the best.
Thank you Mary, for your kind words. The accident happened a couple years ago. I have moved on and relayed the story to help explain how I did so in response to a Hub request by a hubber in this site. But, please do check out my other hubs.
You have my deepest sincerest sympathy. I don't think there is any short cut through grief. The Lord has not really prepared us for the process, no matter how long or short the knowledge or preparation time. And you cannot blame yourself for the time element in getting medical help. Please get past that....some things in life just happen, not in our control. Grief is not a selfish emotion, it is a healing process. Everyone goes through it at some point in life....multiple times for many, and it is never any easier.
As for comfort....I see you have a dog? During my time of berevemnt I got so much support from my pets. Not silly. They are reservoirs of love and healing. Let your tears run and hold your loved ones close. It will get better. Really, time is the only cure.
jellen 10 months ago
I lost my closest sister(78) 6 months ago after being ill 2wks. Last month my friend (72) from 3rd grade dropped dead as she was dressing. My husband has but a few months to live. I cry and I wonder when it'll stop,
I use to do so much but now I just wonder not knowing what to do. What's ironic, I was born with a heart defect and was only suppose to live till I was 18mos, I'll be 72 soon. I just never thought it'd come down this way. And I pray I stop crying soon.